The Fear You Won't Fall
by LLFOREVER
Summary: Five years postprom, Derek Shepherd is raising his kids with the help of his friends, but he’s still missing someone, whether he likes to admit it or not. When Meredith Grey returns, it’s going to change everyone’s lives forever. AU
1. Over My Head

The Fear You Won't Fall

Rating: PG-13 Pairings: Derek/Meredith, Mark/Izzie, Alex/Addison, George/Callie, Burke/Cristina…mainly Derek/Meredith  
Summary: Five years post-prom, Derek Shepherd is raising his kids with the help of his friends, but he's still missing someone, whether he likes to admit it or not. When Meredith Grey returns, it's going to change everyone's lives forever. AU  
Disclaimer: I don't own _Grey's Anatomy_. It's a shame.  
A/N: I've had this idea for awhile, and I decided to go with it. I'll update _Three_, _Crash_, and _Where Do We Go From Here_ as soon as possible…probably WDWGFH, then Three, then Crash. Read. Love. Review.  
--

Chapter 1 - Over My Head

Isobel Stevens rubs her eyes wearily as she tucks Jack into bed. The little boy barely stirs, and she knows that he hasn't had nearly enough attention the past several days. Quietly, Izzie kisses him on the forehead and then leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

As she walks past Anna's room, her eyes meet Derek's, and she stops. Anna looks up as Izzie enters the room and smiles, in spite of the pain that she's obviously in.

"Aunt Izzie?" Izzie feels her heart melting as Anna struggles to sit up more. Derek immediately jumps up from his spot in the chair beside her bed and helps adjust the pillows around Anna's leg.

"Yeah, baby? Do you want me to get you some more medicine?" Anna shakes her head and motions for Izzie to come closer.

"Can Daddy leave for a little bit?" Izzie smiles and nods, glancing up at Derek. He looks as physically and mentally exhausted as she feels, but she sees his hesitation.

"It's okay. You need to rest. Mark's coming over after his shift. He'll stay up with me," Izzie says reassuringly.

Derek stares at her for a moment, feeling guilty, but at the mention of his best friend, Derek caves. Although Mark, Addison, Callie, George, Burke, and even Cristina have been helping out, he and Izzie have been sleeping for a half hour here and there for nearly ten days. He knows Mark will make Izzie rest, so he nods.

"I'm going to go take a nap, sweetheart," Derek says, kissing Anna. "I love you, Anna Banana."

"I love you, Daddy." Derek smiles as he trudges out of the room. Izzie watches him go and then closes the door before sitting down beside Anna.

"Are you comfortable?" Anna nods and reaches for Izzie's hand. Tears begin to fill her blue eyes, and Izzie feels tears start to fill her own eyes.

"Don't cry, Aunt Izzie. I'm okay," Anna says. She offers a Kleenex to Izzie and pulls her teddy bear up beside her.

"I know, baby. I know." Izzie smiles through her tears as Anna carefully props her bear, George, up with his bear-sized pillow underneath his own cast.

She loves Anna and Jack as if they were her own. Even though she and Mark have been together for five years, she hasn't moved out of Meredith's house because of Anna and Jack. She knows that the tight knit family that she, Derek, Mark, Callie, George, Cristina, Burke, and Addison have formed is the result of raising Anna and Jack. It's an unconventional family, but a family all the same.

"Aunt Izzie, can Aunt Addie and Uncle George stay with me tomorrow? You and Daddy need sleep," Anna says firmly. Izzie wipes tears from her eyes as she comes to an all too familiar realization that Anna is growing up too fast.

"I'll sleep when Uncle Mark gets here, Anna Banana." Anna's eyes brighten at that, and Izzie realizes that Mark has just entered the room.

"Hey there, Anna. How is George?" Anna considers this question with such a serious expression, Izzie has to bite her lip to keep from laughing.

"He's okay. His leg didn't hurt as much today," she says, nodding. "But I think maybe you should make him drink more fluids. He might get dehydrated." Izzie smiles. Growing up around doctors, Anna has become a self-proclaimed expert on medicine.

"Okay, Dr. Shepherd. We'll take care of that. How 'bout you tell Aunt Izzie good night?" Anna wraps her arms around Izzie's neck while keeping a close eye on George.

"Night, Aunt Izzie." Anna pauses and then looks up at Mark. "She needs sleep," Anna declares. Mark grins, but concern fills his eyes as Izzie gets up.

"Iz, listen to the doctor." Izzie laughs and nods, hugging Mark before exiting the room. As she makes her way toward her bedroom, she stops at the stairs and goes down to the kitchen instead.

Taking the phone in her hand, she pulls a phone number out of her pocket and stares at the number. She briefly wonders whether she should call, but when she remembers Anna telling her that she and Derek needed sleep, she dials the number without hesitation.

"Hello?" Izzie almost wants to hang up when she hears Meredith's voice, but she doesn't. She's calling for Anna, not her. It's time for Meredith to face the responsibility that she unceremoniously dumped on Derek and the others. "Hello?"

"Meredith, it's me, Izzie." Meredith Grey almost drops her phone. She hasn't talked to Izzie for almost five years, so whatever it is must be important. "Meredith, you need to come home."

Stunned, Meredith tries to form a coherent sentence. She's talked to Derek recently about coming back, but nothing was set in stone. She still trembles at the thought of assuming the responsibility that would accompany her return.

"What? Why? What for?" Going back means facing her friends. Going back means facing Derek and their children, and she's not sure she can do that.

"What for? Seriously? Derek needs you. Anna and Jack need you. Anna had major surgery last week! Derek hasn't slept in days, Anna needs round-the-clock care, and I don't remember the last time that I sat down with Jack. I know you had to go find yourself or whatever," Izzie spits out, using a phrase from one of Meredith's letters, "but you better look in a damn mirror and then get on the next plane to Seattle. Mark already booked a ticket. FedEx will drop it off within an hour. He'll meet you at the airport." With that, Izzie slams down the phone, not even waiting for a response. She thinks it was the right thing to do, but she's not about to expect Meredith to show up.  
--  
Meredith Grey hoists her bag onto her shoulder and turns to the man beside her, a man whom she has come to call her best friend. She smiles wistfully.

"So this is it," he says, tugging on Meredith's hair with a sad smile. He knows that she's ready, even if she doesn't. He understands why she ran, and that's why he hasn't pushed her to return, but he knows it's time.

"This is it. I'm going to miss you." He stares at her, wondering if that means what he thinks it does. She nods. "I don't think I'm coming back here. I owe it… I owe it to them to stay. I was so scared then. I mean, I am now, but… her call just made me realize that it's still home. And I need to be there. It's been long enough." He feels something that resembles pride fill him as Meredith starts to walk toward the boarding counter. They've both made their mistakes over the years – he thinks that's why they're friends – but he thinks she can fix this one.

"I'm going home. You should too," she says. He shifts and momentarily wonders if there's enough room in the family for both of them to return.

"Is it still home?" Meredith takes a deep breath. "I think… I hope it is," she whispers. "I burned a lot of bridges." He stares at Meredith for a few seconds before he speaks.

"Give me a week to sort things out, and I'll be back," he says definitively, a smirk filling his face. Meredith feels herself grinning in spite of everything. "Thanks, Alex."  
--  
Derek Shepherd sighs as he collapses on his bed. He hasn't slept in days, but guilt washes over him as he realizes how much the others have sacrificed for his children. Still, he knows that he couldn't do this without them, even if the one person that he wanted to do this with is thousands of miles away.

Mark enters the room without knocking, knowing that Derek would still be awake. Derek glances up at his friend and mutters a greeting.

"Why? I don't know what I'm doing," Derek whispers as tears roll out of his eyes. "Why did she leave?" Mark walks over and pulls Derek into a bone-crushing hug.

"Buddy, you're doing fine. It's okay." Derek continues to sob silently as Mark decides to tell him where he's going. "George just got here. He's sitting with Anna. Derek… I'm going to the airport to pick her up."

Derek nods and wipes his eyes. He knew it was only a matter of time before one of the others asked her to come back, and as much as he hates to admit it, he needs her to come back now.  
--  
Mark Sloan stands in the baggage area, looking around for Meredith. He considers sitting down, but on second thought, he doesn't want to risk falling asleep.

He never pictured himself as a steady boyfriend or a doting uncle, but the arrival of Jack and Anna changed that. It changed them all, and he wishes Derek wouldn't be so hard on himself.

"Mark?" He turns and pushes back a million spiteful things that he could say about the situation.

"Welcome home."  
--  
A/N: I'm sure you all have a lot of questions – expect some of those to be answered in the next chapter. Essentially, Meredith got pregnant with twins, gave birth, and ran. Now Derek is raising those kids with the help of everyone. He needs Meredith, but she has a lot of ground to make up. Reviews are love.


	2. Wherever You Will Go

Disclaimer: I'm plotting about how to take over the show with my friend Liza. So… not my show. Yet. A/N: This is so much fun to write, and a lot will happen. Check out my endnotes about a web log that I'm starting pertaining to this story. Read. Love. Review.  
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Chapter 2 – Wherever You Will Go

Meredith stares out the car window, not knowing what to say or if there is anything to say. As Mark turns on the radio, the first chords of a song from _The Lion King_ begin to play. He chuckles and turns it off again.

"Anna likes to play that all the time. Now we all have the songs memorized, but she likes to sing with it anyway," he says, a smile crossing his face. "She's Derek's pride and joy. They both are."

"Am I too late? I want to make things right. I know I screwed up, but I want to make things right," Meredith whispers.

"He's been through hell lately. He hasn't slept in days, and he hasn't left the house since we brought Anna home. He spends hours with those kids. We all do. We're a dysfunctional family, but we're all there. We have family dinners and movie nights and everything that Derek dreams up to make up for the fact that Anna and Jack have an absent mother.

"He needs you. As twisted as that sounds, he needs you. He can't do this alone, and we can't all make up for you. He still loves you, you know. He would never say that out loud, but he misses you. He's raising Anna and Jack without you, and he still loves you. I've asked myself why hundreds of times, but the truth is, I think he's the only one who can answer that.

"You're not too late. What you did sucks. It was selfish and horrible and devastating, but that's in the past. Grey, he needs you now more than ever, but we're going to make damn well sure that you don't hurt him or the kids again." With that, Mark stares at the road with an almost chilling silence. When they get to the house, he grabs Meredith's suitcase and looks back at her as she stands in the rain, staring at the door. What started as a sprinkle has become a heavy downpour, and it doesn't take long for Meredith to become soaked.

"Come on. Go see Derek. He won't sleep until you do. I don't want Anna to see you until he's there," Mark says. Meredith nods and walks up the stairs. She has a strong urge to turn around and run back to the living room, but she keeps going until she reaches her former bedroom.

Just as Mark predicted, Derek's breathing becomes ragged when Meredith enters the room, indicating to her that he's awake. She tries to think of something to say, but by the time she opens her mouth, Derek has jumped up and pulled out a pair of sweatpants and a flannel shirt.

Derek has envisioned this moment for years, with a million different endings. But for some reason, he can't form a word as he holds the clothes out to Meredith, to the woman who gave him his children and took part of his heart away in return.

It sounds cheesy. Derek knows that Mark would, without a doubt, punch him and refuse to be seen in any kind of masculine activities with him again if he said that out loud. But that doesn't change the fact that it's true, the fact that she took part of his heart and still has it.  
--  
When Meredith goes into the bathroom, and Derek follows her, they both know that it's not about their kids or the fact that they may just have a painful desire to fall into each other's arms again. Instead, it's about relieving pent-up tensions and anger that haven't been expressed through letters. If it were Izzie and George, they would talk around the issue until finally yelling it all out. But they're not Izzie and George.

That's why Meredith knows that it's about sex and nothing more when Derek slams her against the shower wall. That's why Derek doesn't care that she left him and their kids when he feels her turn the water to an almost-scalding temperature.

And that's why Meredith doesn't cry when Derek crawls back into bed and finally goes to sleep, leaving her to fend for herself with whoever happens to be awake when she wanders around the house, wondering if she made the right decision to return.  
--  
It turns out that Mark has taken George's place at Anna's bedside, and George and Izzie are sitting together in the kitchen when Meredith comes downstairs. She doesn't even bother to mutter a hello. "Hello" doesn't begin to summarize why she left or why she's here now.

Izzie glares at Meredith, taking note of Derek's shirt and sweatpants. She knows that Derek is Derek and probably shoved the clothes at Meredith without a word, but she can't resist taking the easy shot.

"You obviously haven't changed much. Still sleeping with inappropriate men and then breaking them," she snarls. George shifts in discomfort but refuses to add anything. But when Meredith sinks down into a chair, it's with the realization that George has grown a backbone. "Although… I think you broke this one at least two times over."

"Izzie," Meredith begins, her tone pleading for silence. Izzie shakes her head, resolved to yell now. She plans for her shots to be above ground, taken when Derek isn't there.

"As much as I would love for us to stand in a line and yell at you, I think we both know that won't happen. I've lived with Derek for five years, and that's the one thing that none of us can understand. He won't forgive you anytime soon, but he won't intentionally hurt you. Not like you hurt us." As Izzie stands up and pulls a cookie sheet out of the oven, Meredith remains quiet. She's matured enough to know that there isn't anything she can say right now, not anything that would be meaningful.

Izzie glances meaningfully at the kitchen door and then back at Meredith. She's grateful when Meredith takes the hint. George wipes a cookie crumb from his mouth and stares back at her as she sits down beside him.

"Did I do the right thing? Calling her?"

"If you hadn't, someone else would have. You're the believer, Iz. You have to believe that everything will be okay," George says softly, pulling her into a tight hug.

"But that's the problem. I don't know what okay is."  
--  
Five hours after Meredith's arrival, Derek trudges downstairs. The sleep has helped clear his mind, but when he sees Meredith sitting on _his_ couch, everything becomes cloudy again. He knows from hearing Mark talking to Anna that his baby girl is awake, so he figures there's no better time than the present for their first introduction.

Meredith follows Derek up the stairs wordlessly. Derek stops at the door and rubs his eyes, then looks at Meredith for a moment.

"Breathe." In any other context, his simple command could be interpreted as funny or even romantic, but here, at the line between the past and present, it's intentionally forceful and harsh. Nevertheless, she obeys and lets out the breath of air that she didn't realize she had been holding.

Derek pushes open the door and wonders what he's getting himself into. Mark looks up, acknowledging his presence and slips out after patting Anna on the head.

"Hi, baby. Do you need some more medicine?" Anna shakes her head, and Derek feels his heart breaking as the normally talkative girl morphs into a quiet kid that he barely recognizes. Of course, it's not like Meredith will know either way, he thinks bitterly.

That's why it surprises him when Meredith pulls a chair up and only says hello, clearly allowing Anna to talk when she's ready.

"You're my mom, aren't you?" Derek feels tears welling up in his eyes, and he has to turn away as Anna looks at Meredith with a determined look that he knows came from Meredith.

"Yeah, I am."

"Are you staying?"

"If you and Jack want me to stay, I'll stay as long as you want."

"Forever?"

"Forever." As the implications of the word settle among Derek, Anna, and Meredith, Derek realizes that Meredith isn't going back.   
--   
A/N: Okay, I have so much that I want to tell you guys about this story, so I've started a web log that will essentially be my sounding board for this story. It will also be a place where I do Patrick Dempsey picture spam and rants and raves about the show. For today's update, I'll discuss something that a lot of you are probably wondering about - the sex. Continue to review here, but if you have any questions that aren't rhetorical, email me, PM me or comment on the web log (http://kellie3315 PERIOD blogspot PERIOD com) It won't let me type that normally, but the link is also in my profile


	3. Keeping My Distance

Disclaimer: This whole... hiatus thing? Or spin off thing? Would not be occurring if I owned _Grey's Anatomy_.   
A/N: I watched _Where the Boys Are_ again tonight, and I love the end. Not because it's a Meredith/Derek ending (well, yes, but…) _"Dig down and find the real source of the pain. And once you've found it, try like hell to heal that sucker."_ It made me realize that if Meredith had started something with Mark, I truly think that would have been it for Meredith and Derek. Anyway, Read Me. Love Me. Review Me.  
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Chapter 3 – Keeping My Distance

"ER. Aunt Cristina lets me watch it."

"No. I'm putting my foot down," George declares, looking over at the window so that Anna can't use her convincing Shepherd eyes against him.

"Aunt Cristina says that she's more of a man than you. What does that mean?" Anna asks, allowing an innocent smile to fill her face. "And she called you a fetus. I told her that's silly, but then she said that you didn't have a backbone." George stiffens, and his face becomes red.

"I don't like your Aunt Cristina," George mutters, indignant. "And you're still not watching ER. Your daddy would kill me if I let you watch that." Derek laughs as he comes into Anna's room and finds George arguing with Anna over what TV show to watch. Anna pouts and stares at George, knowing that he's breakable. Derek smiles when he sees Anna's characteristic pout that always does him in, and then he stiffens when he realizes that Meredith is standing behind him, the very person whom Anna got her pout from.

Derek steps aside to allow Meredith to enter the room, but he keeps his eyes focused on Anna, waiting for her reaction to Meredith's presence. George eyes Meredith nervously and jumps up from his chair.

"I'm just gonna… Izzie said that she was fixing, um, stuff. Help. She needs help. I'm going… I'll be back. But not before you guys, if…"

"Uncle George, you can go get cookies," Anna says, grinning broadly. Derek tries to contain his laughter as George bolts from the room. Anna looks proud of herself, but when she looks over at Meredith, her demeanor becomes calm and quiet.

"Can I show you my picture book?" Anna stares at Meredith, her blue eyes questioning but excited. Involuntarily, Derek looks over at the book on Anna's dresser and knows that he should hand it to Anna, but he freezes and can't bring himself to move. He never anticipated Anna opening up this fast, and he almost wishes that Mark could show up magically and lighten the mood. Or that he could put Meredith back on a plane.

Clearly, however, neither wish is being fulfilled, so he walks over to the chair that George vacated and sits down before realizing that Meredith has nowhere to sit. When he does remember, he fights every gentlemanly instinct he has to allow her to sit in the chair.

"Of course. Do you want me to get it for you?" Anna nods, and Derek feels a surge of anger. _He_ should be getting the book. The feeling only intensifies when Meredith seems undaunted by the fact that he took her chair. In fact, she doesn't even seem to notice. She sits down on the bed and helps Anna position Bear George so that he can see.

"These are the postcards that my mommy… that you sent," Anna says quietly, as if she has suddenly come to the realization that Meredith is the person who sent her postcards over the years. "Daddy always said that you loved me and Jack even though you weren't here. Do you love me? Or did you go away because I was bad?"

Meredith feels tears fill her eyes yet again, but she wipes them back and twirls a lock of Anna's dark brown hair around her finger, trying to remember why she left. She does know, but here with Anna, it's hard to remember.

"You were never bad. I promise, it wasn't your fault. I love you very much, sweetie," Meredith says, choking more on each word. Anna seems to be content with Meredith's answer, but Derek can barely keep himself from stomping out of the room.

The truth is, it hurts. It hurts for him to see Meredith connecting with Anna, the little girl that raised without her. And then she tickles Anna gently and kisses her on the forehead, and he feels as though he's a split second from wanting to be Derek and Meredith again.  
--  
It's that split second that remains that keeps the ten-foot pole between the two of them. As Mark introduces Jack to Meredith, Derek briefly feels like he should be doing the introducing. Instead, he remains silent. He can't even bring himself to look over at Izzie, who has been a surrogate mother for Jack and Anna from day one.

Izzie thinks it's a good thing that other people are in the room and that Jack has taken residence in Meredith's lap. Otherwise, she would probably be strangling Meredith right now. She knew it would hurt when Jack went to Meredith. Anna, she knew, would be either incredibly stubborn or very eager to spend time with Meredith. But she had always figured that Jack would take awhile, that his shy nature would keep him at _her_ side. Apparently, she was wrong.

"So, Meredith, have you picked up on any other skills since you left? Any other jobs you want to take? Cooking, cleaning," Izzie snaps. Jack continues to eat his hot dog that she cut into bite size pieces, ignoring the growing commotion. George looks from Izzie to Meredith to Derek and then back to Izzie, looking more flustered by the moment.

"Jack, let's go color with Anna, okay?"

"She's asleep," Meredith and Derek announce simultaneously. George tugs at the collar of his t-shirt and gets up anyway.

"We'll just, I'm, we're going to go. Upstairs. But not to Anna's room," George stutters. He grabs Jack's hand and almost pulls him out of the kitchen, looking down the whole time. Izzie glowers at Meredith, tacitly implying that he left because of her.

"Now you're mad because George left the room? Grow up!"

"You think _that_ is why I'm mad? Seriously?" Izzie screeches. Mark steps toward her, but she moves away abruptly.

"Izzie, do we…" Izzie looks over at Derek with wide eyes and nods her head furiously.

"You," she yells, pointing at Mark, "don't touch me. And you," she continues, glaring at Derek, "let me say this now. And then I'm done.

"I can't believe you. You just march back here, expecting everyone to take you in with open arms. Well, guess what. We're not. You left. You left us all Meredith. Do you know how much that hurt? Not just Derek or Anna and Jack. You hurt everyone. Maybe Alex never told you when he followed you to Maine, but it hurt him too. And now you're back here, doing my jobs. I was the one who took care of Anna and Jack since they were born. Not you, Meredith. You were in fantasy land while I sacrificed part of my life for your kids. We all did." Izzie stands up and pushes past Mark, stopping at the doorway.

"I grew up five years ago when you left your family."  
--  
A/N: And we end on that rather depressing note. Poor Chapter Two didn't feel the feedback love. I need to know if it's because of dislike about something or just because. I really want to hear your opinions, good and bad. Also, I don't have time to do a web log update tonight, but are you guys interested in those? I think it's kind of fun, and I will probably do one when I update tomorrow, but I'll just stick to short notes here if you don't want the long notes. Thanks for reading! Oh, and I know Anna is only four, but I watched ER at four, so.. I'm rolling with it.


	4. Can't Stop the Rain

Disclaimer: Blah, not mine, whatever.  
A/N: Thanks for the awesome reviews. I had a blast writing this chapter, and I think you may… I don't know. Tell me what you think because it answers something that a lot of you have asked. Someone asked me about the Mer/Der sex – check the blog on that one. There's an explanation that's too long to type here.  
--

Chapter 4 – Can't Stop the Rain

Mark enters the room slowly, his resolve to play peacemaker crumbling when he sees Izzie on her bed in tears. He has admittedly never been one to run the opposite direction, even when he should have, but now he's stuck at the crossroads. As much as he knows that what Meredith did was wrong, he doesn't want to make things worse by yelling at her.

After all, when they were the dirty mistresses, when he was caught between loving Addison or regaining his family, Meredith never criticized him or kicked him when he was down. It's the least he can do for her, not yelling.

On the other hand, seeing his girlfriend in tears makes him want to yell at everyone. He understands what she puts herself through for Anna and Jack. Sometimes he wonders if it would have been better if she had moved out, but then he looks at his best friend and knows that he needed it as much as Izzie did.

"I wasn't going to yell. I wasn't going to yell with Derek there," Izzie says quietly. "I wanted to play fair, play the game in a way that she never did. But then I saw her there… sitting there with Jack, and I just… I snapped. I knew Anna would talk. She's the talker, you know?" Mark nods. He does know. He knows that Anna has the charm of her father and the infectious giggle of her mother, but he also knows that she learned to love baking and crafts from Izzie.

"You know I suck at chick talk. Those kids love you. Just because Meredith is back doesn't mean they're going to forget about you." Izzie stares at Mark in disbelief.

"Don't say that like you mean it. That's what you're supposed to say. You're supposed to say that everything will be okay, that nothing is different, that she's sorry or whatever. Don't say that because it isn't true," Izzie says, exhaustion evident in her voice. "I need to be alone." Mark nods and backs out of her room speechless, wondering if she's right.  
--  
An hour and a car trip later, Mark wants to know why he ever got involved with people. He could have remained Derek's sworn enemy, and he never would have been here, trying to figure out what to say to Derek.

"Where's Meredith?" Derek rubs his eyes and sinks down into a kitchen chair, waiting for an answer. He looks up and realizes that Mark and George are staring at each other with nervous expressions. "It's an easy question, guys. Where is Meredith?"

"We took her to the cemetery," George says in a rush. Derek shoves his chair back violently and jumps up. He shouldn't care. He doesn't want to care.

_I don't want my mother to die alone._ He never saw her as Ellis Grey. She was the woman who hurt Meredith, who wasn't there for Meredith the way a parent should have been, who called her daughter ordinary. But he was there when she died.

"You what?! It's, Jesus, it's freezing rain out there," he yells, as he begins pacing around the room. "I'll be back in an hour."

"Wait, Derek. I'll go," Mark offers. "You don't need to do this."

_You don't have to do this, you know?_ He didn't have to take Doc, probably shouldn't have. But he doesn't regret it.

"Yes, I do. I have to do this." Derek grabs his jacket and keys and slams the front door shut without looking back. As he peels out onto the road, he tries to rationalize and turn around. He doesn't care. He cares about his kids, his family, his work, but not her.

The problem is _he does care._  
--  
When Derek gets to the cemetery, he parks and grabs his jacket. Between the blinding rain and dark sky, he can't see her anywhere, but he walks toward Ellis' grave on instinct. He makes it a point to keep the grave looking neat, with fresh flowers on the important days – the day he met Meredith, the day Meredith left, the day her grandchildren were born, the day she died.

As he makes his way toward the grave, with cautious steps on the wet grass, he sees her. In the freezing rain, without a jacket, with a broken expression on her face, she sits motionless, and he sees _her_. Not the person that left or the person that he screwed with last night, but the vulnerable, passionate Meredith that he fell in love with.

Meredith feels the rain beat down, but she ignores it. Ignorance, after all, is bliss. The cold rain numbs her pain and lets her forget it all. She almost wishes that she could just go back to Maine, back to being blissfully ignorant with Alex at her side, her brother in battle.

Suddenly, another figure, clad in sweats and a heavy jacket, yells and crashes beside her, creating a mud pit as he falls. She realizes it's Derek and begins to laugh. Tears continue to roll down her cheeks, but she laughs like she hasn't laughed in years.

In spite of everything, Derek looks at her with a smirk. He's missed the sound of her laugh. Just for an instant, he lets himself fall into the comfortable banter that they used to have.

"I'm in pain, and you're laughing at me? I'll have you know," he says, lowering his voice and whispering in her ear, "I like the pain." He means it in a light way, but she stops laughing abruptly as the words leave his mouth.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Derek. I didn't want to hurt you," she cries, moving back when he tries to touch her arm. "I never wanted to hurt you. I shouldn't have listened to her."

"Listened to who?" Derek asks, closing his eyes. He tries to ignore the nagging feeling in his gut that he already knows.

"She said I couldn't do it. I believed her." Meredith wants to scream as the words leave her mouth, trying to remember why she believed _her_, of all people.

"Meredith, tell me what happened. I need to know." He thinks he knows why, but he needs to hear it from her.

"I was scared, you know? I was so afraid, and you told me everything would be okay, but I didn't know what to do. When my mom… when you and Addison signed the papers, and she was lucid, she said things. I told you some of it, that she said I was ordinary."

"Mer, what else did she say?" Meredith takes deep breath and lets herself look into Derek's blue eyes for the first time since she came back. He stares back with an expression of concern and something that she can't quite put a finger on. As he shrugs off his jacket and wraps it around her, she trembles and pulls it close.

"I told her that I thought I was pregnant. And she told me I couldn't do it. She said that I didn't have what it takes. I just thought… I thought that if Ellis Grey, surgeon extraordinaire, couldn't be a mother, then I had no hope. She looked me straight in the eyes and told me that I could never be a mother.

"I'm sorry. I know that's what you say, but I'm sorry," Meredith whispers. And finally, he gets it. The root of her insecurities, her fears, and her departure is in front of him, and he gets it. It doesn't make it right, doesn't make up for lost time, but it's there, and he thinks that's enough.

Derek pulls Meredith to her feet, and then he kisses her. In the freezing rain and wind, he kisses her, and he thinks that he can fix this.  
--  
A/N: I didn't intend for this chapter to go like this. But it did, and I think I'm okay with that. Um, no blog because no one has said anything about it… Let me know if you want one with some explanations about this chapter. Reviews are love.


	5. Fix You

Disclaimer: If you've seen the new promos, a hookup that seems possible from them would not be happening if this was my show.  
A/N: The reviews for the last chapter were amazing! Thank you so much. I really took a gamble with it, and I think it paid off – I hadn't planned on that being Meredith's explanation, and I think it worked out okay. Anyway, Read Me. Love Me. Review Me.  
-- 

Chapter 5 – Fix You

Derek stares at Meredith's eyes and realizes that he's missed _this_. He's missed being near her, being able to reach out and touch her. He's still trying to make sense of everything.

Her explanation doesn't make it hurt any less. It still hurts, but he thinks it's a different kind of pain, a pain that he can heal. Finally, after five odd years, he feels like he has some control again.

Meredith stands motionless as Derek wipes tears away from her eyes. The past two days have been a confusing jumble of events. Derek's touch, however, jolts her into the present, and suddenly, the numbing rain isn't so numbing.

"Cold," Meredith mumbles. Derek jerks back in surprise, her voice breaking the trance he was in. He looks at her in confusion.

"Cold?" Meredith nods and tugs his jacket closer to her body. He frowns when he realizes that she's shivering beneath his touch. As he turns and starts to guide her back up the hill, Derek grimaces in pain. The memory of his fall comes back to Meredith as he groans slightly.

"Oh my God, you fell. And you're… are you okay? I can, do you need to lean on me?" Meredith looks on, eyes full of concern, but Derek can't help laughing as he imagines himself leaning on her small frame.

"I'll be okay. A few bruises from a fall are nothing compared to some of the bruises you've given me," he teases. As the words tumble out of his mouth, he briefly wonders what the hell he's doing. A voice inside his head – probably Mark or maybe even George – says that it's too soon to be joking about that, but he never has been one to follow the rules. He's not even sure that there are rules for an ex-girlfriend slash mother of your kids slash love of your life.

"I would hit you for that, but I won't kick you while you're down," Meredith giggles, and just for a moment, she lets herself believe that they have a chance to be happy again. Her trance is interrupted by the ring of Derek's cell phone.

"_Where the hell are you? Some help fixing dinner would be nice since Izzie's not in the best mood," Mark snaps._

And just like that, the world comes crashing down again.  
--  
As Derek flips on the windshield wipers, Meredith looks over and tries to think of something to say. She wants to say _what does this mean?_ But that broaches the past that she's trying to leave behind, so she settles for silence.

It's the silence that kills Meredith inside. She wishes that Derek would initiate _the_ conversation, the conversation about what this means and where they'll go from here, but she knows that he won't. A part of her wonders if the people they are now are as compatible as the people they used to be. He hasn't changed drastically, not in outward appearances anyway. The problem is, it's the Derek inside who has changed. He's less brash and less cocky, not as willing to throw himself out there. And as they sit in silence, she thinks that's her fault.

"So…" Meredith holds her breath and silently prays that maybe, just maybe, he'll start _the_ conversation. Derek frowns to himself and tries to figure out what his next words are. He wants to ask her what this means, but an altogether different sentence comes out. "We're having movie night tonight."

"Movie night?" Meredith tries to mask the disappointment in her voice, but Derek's almost-apologetic glance tells her that she failed. He takes a deep breath and nods.

"Movie night. Everyone comes over, we eat dinner, and we watch a movie or two together. The first movie is always Disney or Pixar – something for Jack and Anna. I think it was George's turn to pick the movie."

_Bambi, don't say another word until after the hunter shoots your mother._ Meredith almost laughs as she remembers the teasing that George endured, and then the memories of her days as an intern mesh with the implications of Derek's words.

"Every… everyone?" Derek frowns when he hears the fear laced in Meredith's voice. He parks the car and runs a hand through his dark hair.

"It's going to be okay," he murmurs. Slowly, he climbs out and walks over to the passenger side. Opening the door, he reaches out for her hand and waits.

_If you wait long enough, it passes. Promise? Promise._ She doesn't really remember why she trusted him, but she thinks she can take that step forward again.

In the cool, blustery night, he waits. He thinks that he can fix this, but he can't fix it alone. Almost in slow motion, Meredith climbs out of the car, and he waits. He doesn't give up. He _can't _give up.

And then Meredith takes Derek's hand in her own, and he's glad he waited.  
--  
By the time Meredith gets out of the shower and puts on warm, dry clothes, she can tell from the stairs that the eating portion of movie night has already begun. Quietly, she slips by unnoticed, into the kitchen.

"Mer, come get food." Almost unnoticed, that is. Meredith jumps as Derek's fingertips brush her elbow, and she starts to respond, but they're interrupted when Addison bursts into the kitchen.

"Derek, what are you – Meredith! You're back. You're back?" Addison walks over and smiles, and Meredith realizes that it may be the first time that she has ever seen a genuine smile on Addison's face.

"Yeah," Meredith says softly, "I'm back." She shrinks back a little, almost expecting a condescending look or comment from Addison, but to her surprise, Addison reaches forward and pulls her into what should be an awkward hug.

"Derek, I think they need some help with the DVD player," Addison says. She nods, as if to look more convincing. Even so, Derek stares at her in confusion.

"It's the same DVD player we've had for two years. What could they possibly need help with?" Addison raises her eyebrows, and Meredith bites her lip, trying not to smile. Derek folds his arms across his chest and looks like he's about to go into full-on interrogation mode when Meredith cuts in.

"Why don't you go see anyway?" He eyes the two women suspiciously, but an encouraging nudge from Meredith propels him back to the living room.

"So you're back." And finally, it hits her. Hearing the words come from Addison's mouth make it more real than she ever imagined. She's back, back in the full sense of the word. Suddenly, she feels her throat begin to close up as tears roll down her cheeks.

Immediately, Addison grabs a paper bag and hands it to Meredith. Briefly, Meredith wonders why Addison is doing this. Then again, she's not about to question a friendly face these days.

"Deep breaths, Meredith. Deep breaths. It's okay." Gently, Addison puts a comforting hand on Meredith's shoulder. Of all people, she thinks that logically she should be one of the ones to hate Meredith the most for returning like this, but she can't bring herself to feel critical.

"I know… you're probably wondering why I'm here. I mean, I should hate you. I should hate you for being a factor in the breakup of my marriage, for getting pregnant with my ex-husband's children and then leaving, for being the person that Alex went to… but, the thing is, Grey, I don't hate you.

"I know I should, but I don't. I know what it's like to screw up and then have to face everyone that you hurt. I get it," Addison says quietly. Meredith takes a deep breath and nods. She opens her mouth to thank Addison, but then another realization hits her, and she begins to laugh. A look of panic crosses Addison's face, and she looks down at her blouse, hands examining each button.

"What? Spit it out," Addison snaps, sounding more like the Addison that Meredith remembers.

"Satan has a heart."  
--  
A/N: Okay. Uh, I feel bad because this chapter kind of sucked compared to last chapter, but I hope you maybe enjoyed it some? And I'm really sorry that it's so short. My spring break starts Thursday, but I'm going to Scottsdale for part of it. I'll try to work on the next chapter, but it probably won't be up until next Wednesday (although it may be up this Wednesday). Review!


	6. The Hardest Part

Disclaimer: I love Chris Van Dusen. Who, you may ask, is he? He is the wonderful writer of Scars and Souvenirs. Not me. But I'm now in love with him. Yeah, uh, not my show.  
A/N: Okay… this took awhile, but I think you guys will like it. It has the angst mix with some teeny fluff. And it has one of my now classic one line endings. You know the drill – Read. Love/Hate. Review.  
-- 

Chapter 6 – The Hardest Part

"Meredith?" Meredith glances up at Addison and sets the paper bag down on the counter. In an uncharacteristic move, Addison bites her lip and looks down at the floor. "How is he?"

Meredith smiles sympathetically and shrugs. She remembers the day that Alex showed up on her doorstep, looking for a place to stay. It took a bottle of tequila and a bad movie to pull the whole story out of him, the story about why he left Seattle Grace and came to join Meredith in Maine for the rest of his residency.

"Honestly? Honestly, I think he misses it here. I think he misses you, but he would never say that out loud," Meredith says cautiously. Addison's facial expression is unreadable, and she seems lost in thought as she twirls a lock of hair around her finger.

"I miss him. I wish things hadn't ended the way they did," she whispers. Meredith nods, and Addison realizes that she's talking to Alex's best friend, to the woman Alex went to after the demise of their relationship or whatever it was that they had. Probably not the best person to talk to about Alex. "I'm sorry I brought it up."

"No, don't be. He's…" Meredith trails off and inspects her fingernails, not entirely sure if it's her place to tell Addison. Then again, it may be less of a shock coming from her than from Alex standing on the doorstep.

"He's what?" Addison asks. She has a sinking feeling that she already knows, but she has to ask.

"He's coming back. Soon. By the end of the week, I think." Addison's eyes widen as she grips the kitchen counter for balance. Alex is coming back. Alex, who turned out to be nothing that she expected and everything that she hoped, is coming back. Somehow this news is much more shocking than Meredith's return. As she takes a deep breath, she catches a panicked look on Meredith's face.

"It's okay, Grey. I'm glad you told me," Addison says. Before she can continue, Derek enters the room again and stares at the two, his face full of concern. Addison forces a smile onto her face and grabs the bowl of popcorn sitting on the counter.

"We're fine. Let's just watch this movie." Meredith's voice wavers slightly, her façade of confidence slipping away. Derek nods and considers giving her hand a quick squeeze. He wants to do it, but he can't push away the pain of the last five years, not that fast.  
--  
"I think it's bedtime," Mark says. He glances around at the odd assortment of adults and chuckles to himself. "Don't all jump up at once." As Derek, Meredith, and Izzie all start to move, Addison glares at Mark.

Oblivious, Derek carries Anna up the stairs, and Meredith and Jack follow. Cristina laughs bitterly from her spot on the couch by Burke, and she turns to Mark, rolling her eyes.

"Nice job making this McAwkward." Mark sighs and glances at Izzie, who seems to be shooting daggers with her eyes at Derek and Meredith. Sometimes, at times like these, he misses being the man whore.

"Izzie, you don't have to tonight. Just let them do it." Izzie stares at Mark with wide eyes and looks around for the nearest pillow to throw at his head. As Meredith and Derek leave the room, Izzie fights the urge to get up. Instead, she turns back on Mark.

"Do you think I've been here because of responsibility? Because I feel obligated to do it? If that's what you think, then you don't know me at all."

"Izzie."

"No. You know what, maybe, maybe we shouldn't be doing this. I'm, I need to go." Izzie jumps up and looks around the room. Before Mark can stop her, she rushes out the door, only pausing to grab her purse off the stairs. George starts to get up, but Mark shakes his head.

"Let her go, Georgie. She needs some time." The truth is, he needs some time too.  
--  
"Can I watch ER?" Meredith giggles as she tries to smooth Anna's blanket. Anna smiles brightly, but Meredith shakes her head.

"You should be sleepy." Anna scrunches her nose and shakes her head.

"I slept all day. Nobody will let me do anything," she whines. "Please, can I stay up? I'll be quiet while you talk about grownup stuff." Meredith laughs and momentarily wishes that she could bring Anna back downstairs with her to help ward off the lions.

"Tomorrow, I will come in here with you, and we can watch as much ER as you want," Meredith says cheerfully. Anna smiles, content, but Derek laughs as he enters the room.

"Careful what you wish for, Mer." He comes closer and then leans to whisper in Meredith's ear. "You might just get it." His deep voice is laced with sexual undertones, and Meredith squirms uncomfortably. After all of this is over, she plans to write a book about how to reinsert yourself into your ex-lover and children's lives, maybe steal some lines from that show that's on after the god-awful hospital drama. Suddenly, Derek's voice breaks her out of her trance, and she gets up, allowing him to hug Anna.

"Good night, Anna Banana."

"Night, Daddy. Night, Bear George," Anna mumbles. Meredith smiles as she sees Anna's eyes struggling to stay open. As she follows Derek into Jack's room, she thinks that she could get used to this.  
--  
Meredith follows Derek back down the stairs slowly. Addison looks up from her place in an armchair and meets Meredith's eyes with a sympathetic smile.

"You know what? People like you make me sick," Cristina snaps. "You can't just waltz back into our lives and have a perfect McFamily. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm actually going to take a page from Barbie. I'm going."

"Can we please just talk about this? Come on, Cristina. What are you doing?"

"She's leaving. You should recognize it," Derek cuts in. The words tumble out of his mouth before he even realizes what's happening. He thinks he should feel better, but when he looks up and sees the hurt expression on Meredith's face.

"Stay, Cristina. Apparently I'm the expert on leaving, so I'm going to bed," Meredith yells, not even bothering to hide the tears rolling down her cheeks. She stares at Derek for an instant longer and then hurries up the stairs, not bothering to stop when she hears him call out her name.

"Derek, can I talk to you?" Addison jumps up, not waiting for an answer, and pulls Derek into the kitchen.

"Okay, what the hell was that? Did that make you feel better? I know you, Derek Shepherd. You want to fix this. You sure as hell won't fix it like that," Addison yells.

"Why are you standing up for her?" Addison stops pacing and stares at Derek. She still doesn't know exactly why, but she can't turn her back, not now.

"She needs a friend, Derek," Addison says softly. She doesn't say it, but she needs Meredith as a friend. In some twisted, convoluted way, she needs to be friends with Meredith.

"And you're going to be that friend?" Derek laughs bitterly and shakes his head. "Does she even want you to be her friend?"

"It's better me than no one," Addison spits back.

"She has me," Derek counters weakly. Addison rolls her eyes and almost reaches out to smack Derek.

"You just said one of the most hurtful things possible in front of everyone. Yeah, she definitely has you, Derek! Look, I get it. She did a horrible thing. If you want to fix this, you need to forgive her."

"You forgave me."

"I never forgave you. I moved on." He wants to forgive Meredith. He does.

"Then go talk to her." Derek looks up in surprise. Addison almost laughs. "I told you I know you. You want to forgive her and fix things? Go talk to her." He sighs and walks by the living room wordlessly. He climbs the stairs quietly and then knocks on his bedroom door. They've been sharing his room, conveniently sleeping at different times. When she doesn't answer, he opens the door slowly.

Meredith tries to steady her breathing as Derek opens the door, but she only succeeds in hyperventilating more. Derek walks over to the bed and feels his walls melting as he recognizes her Dartmouth shirt, now damp. He pulls her up and hugs her tightly. As he kisses her softly, in apology, his own face becomes wet with her tears.

And then he realizes that the tears are his own.  
--  
A/N: Okay. Shoot me now. I know. It took forever, and I'm very sorry. But… this was a hard chapter to write. It accomplished several things on my list, so that's good. Thanks for reviewing! Check the web log http(colon)//kellie3315.blogspot(dot)com


	7. Hurts So Good

Disclaimer: You wish I owned _Grey's Anatomy_.  
A/N: I'm sorry this took awhile, but I had a bit of writer's block and then realized that a one shot that I wrote for Gilmore Girls (Drunken Sorrows) would fit so well here. This chapter is very angsty and rated R in relation to the rest of the story because it's a bit more intense. It's not really R, and there are no explicit sex scenes, but just know that it's angst. Thanks for reviewing!  
-- 

Chapter 7 - Hurts So Good

"How did we get here?" he asks quietly, voice laced with regrets and sorrow. He tries to remember what happened exactly. He regrets certain things – staying with Addison, not going after Meredith. But not loving her, that he could never regret.

"Derek…" He stiffens and shakes his head. Hearing her voice hurts. If he listens to her speak, he'll lose all momentum, and right now, he wants to keep the memory of the pain alive. "Derek, just yell. Please…"

The voice that answers used to be adorably cocky and happy, but time and broken dreams have made it harsh and bitter. He's become a master at building a wall around himself; Jack and Anna deserve better than him, so he does all he can do to try to be that better person.

But here, in the four walls of his room, the anger is palpable, and he's finally getting his shot at redemption, at making her understand the way he hurt.

"You want me to yell? I'll yell," Derek growls in frustration. His voice is strangely real to himself. He hasn't heard that assertion, not outside of the operating room, for years, and he struggles to remember that person.

She remembers. Something about his voice takes her back to those days before Jack and Anna were born, before left ventricular assist device wires were cut, before Addison had shown up. She knows that she can't change it now, but she wishes that they could go back to the beginning and do it right.

She whispers his name to herself. She knows about the sacrifices he made, knows that whatever he did to her doesn't begin to match what she did to him.

"You left. You left your parents, you left your work, you left your friends, you left your kids," he says, continuing with a snarl, "you left me." She doesn't know this voice, and part of her is glad. She wants to believe that things can still be repaired, wants to believe that she isn't the same person anymore.

"I know. I did a horrible thing. Derek…" she whispers, voice hoarse from exhaustion. She wonders, for a second, if they would be together now if she hadn't left.

There's a hint of something familiar in her voice, but he can't place it. He knows why. He doesn't like to remember the old days, the days when he thought that everything would work out.

"So, how have you been? I heard Karev followed you. You know, after breaking Addison's heart. Is that a theme for you guys? It should be," he sneers. Meredith cringes and doesn't bother to choke back her sob. His words cut into her and make her want to go back to Maine.

"It wasn't like that. You know that." He shakes his head and wipes his eyes, determined to finish this now.

"And now you're back. Just like that… wanting to fix everything. Maybe other people can forgive you that fast. I should walk out of here right now. I should, but…"

"But you won't. I know you, Derek. You're like a book. You're not going to walk away because you can't. That's why I knew they would be okay."

"You know me, do you? Do you know that I hated you? I hated you for not wanting to have a family with me. I hated you for leaving. I hated you for making me love you. I did love you, even if I didn't say it." He takes a deep breath and runs a hand through his hair. "I loved you. You left, and it fucking hurt, but I loved you." He laughs a bitter laugh. "Go open up my top dresser drawer, and look in the back."

She does, and she almost laughs when she sees the two bottles of tequila. Silently, she pulls the bottles out and brings them to the bed. He grabs a glass of water from his bedside and dumps the water on the floor, unceremoniously.

Together, they drink the first glass down slowly, but that's only the beginning. She's always been able to handle her liquor particularly well, but tonight, she's getting piss-drunk. She trusts that Addison will stay the night, keep an eye on Jack and Anna, and make sure no one robs them, so she doesn't even think about it as she throws back drink after drink.

He hates the taste of tequila. He's tried to acquire a taste for it, but he still hates it. Every drink he takes, he thinks about the past, about their past, and he knows she does too.

Finally, they decide they've had enough. They're sitting close now, and Derek even laughs at something Meredith says, but he doesn't know what. In a slurred voice, he suggests that they find his wallet. Luckily, that only means walking the short distance to the bathroom.

Together, they stumble along, laughing as they go. Finally, they fall onto the bed, and then he kisses her.

The kiss is rough and bittersweet. He wants her, wants to have what he should have had. She wants him, wants the one she always wanted. Tonight is about recapturing the past and forgetting the present.  
--  
She's never been one for whispering sweet nothings – after all, he's the romantic – and tonight is no different. Instead, she says everything that she wants to say.

"_I love you. I'm sorry for everything I did that hurt you. I'm sorry for leaving you, for leaving Anna and Jack. I'm sorry I can't fix it."_

He doesn't even know how much they'll remember from tonight, but he wants to savor it while he can. He says the things that have been weighing on him since she left, and it feels good to get it off her chest.

"_I love you. I could have… I'm sorry I didn't try harder to keep you here. I'm sorry I didn't ask. I'm sorry for all the things that I didn't do with you."_

There is a feeling of release between them after they've said their parts. Tonight is like an act; there are certain things that they must do and say. They both know that things will still be complicated after this night, but right now, they're truly content for the first time in years.

His breath against her neck is hot, but she doesn't mind. She loves the feel of his arms around her. She shivers as his fingertips run down her sides. She hates a part of herself for leaving, for not being the person that she should have been, but that's part of why she's here.

One of his hands runs through her hair, reveling in the careless moment. She's not the girl in the bar anymore, but then again, he's not that guy, and he finally thinks that's okay. Suddenly, she shifts and her hair is in his face. The smell of lavender is overwhelming.

For awhile, they're silent. He watches her as she looks out the window at the pouring rain. She glances at the clock and realizes that it's well past midnight now. She feels a twinge of pain in her chest thinking of what could have been. Tears begin to fill her eyes. When did things change? When did she lose it? She can't even pinpoint the turning point in her life, to this mess that she's in. She trembles and chokes out an audible sob as she turns to face him.

"I don't want to be this person. I never wanted to be the person that my mother was, who deserts her family," she cries. Inside, he cries for her. He doesn't know what to say, and he's not sure there is anything to say. This is what they have to deal with now.

"Nobody wanted you to be." She wasn't supposed to be that person, and he wasn't supposed to be this person. They both know that. Somewhere along the way, the transformation became irreversible. It became easier to exist without each other than to coexist in distance but be apart in every other sense of the word. He doesn't remember exactly what it was, when he stopped hoping, and maybe it was a progression of things. He'd like to think that it was all out of his control, but inside, he knows it wasn't.

"I thought it would be better for everybody. I thought it was the right thing." She sees her life now as things that she though. As she looks back, she can't help but think that everything she ever thought was fucking wrong. She thought she loved him; she knows she did. She thought she knew that she was doing the right thing; she didn't.

_You didn't know any better_, he wants to say. _You didn't know you were doing the wrong thing._ He knows about that. He wishes that he had put pride aside and gone after her, that he had never let her go in the first place when Addison had arrived.

"I know you did. I can't hate you for that, not now." As the words roll off his tongue, he thinks about how that must sound after everything he's said tonight, but this time, he means what he's saying.

"I hate me for that, and you should, too," she whispers. He doesn't say anything for a moment, soaking in the bitter and empty tone of her voice.

"You don't really think that, do you?" His voice has a slight crack to it, and he's glad the darkness hides the weathered and tired expression on his face.

"No, I know that. Do you know how long it's been since I talked to any of my friends? The ones who stuck by me?" He gives an almost imperceptible shake of his head.

"Five years. I haven't talked to them since I left, not really. Since I got here doesn't count. I don't… I don't know what they're like anymore. I drove them away, just like I drove you away. I wasn't there. I should have been there for you. Not just with Jack and Anna, but when Addison showed up. I should have been… more understanding."

"You didn't drive me away. I walked away. That was my mistake, not yours." She shakes her head stubbornly, and tears begin to fill her eyes again.

"I left. I walked away and said that it wasn't enough. I should have… I should have listened to you. You were hurting, and I walked away." Suddenly, they both know that she's not talking about when Addison showed up, not anymore. She shivers when his next words have a dangerously low tone.

"And I watched you do it. I could have, should have done something!" Could he have done something? It's another one of his eternal questions that he asks himself at night, when he sits alone in the dark. He wants to know what he could have done differently, what would have made her stay.

"But I could have changed things," she cries. "I could have made things right, could have done the right thing."

"It just makes us feel better if we talk about it like we have a do over."

"I want a do over. Every fucking day of my life, I want to fix things. Every time I think about you, every time I look at a picture of Jack and Anna, I want a do over. Do you know why? Why I didn't come back until now? I knew I had blown it a long time ago. I didn't… I didn't want to hurt them more. I blew it like I've blown every other good thing in my life." He stares at her, at her hurt eyes that only reflect pain and sorrow.

"What if you had tomorrow to do over?" She looks up and meets his eyes.

"I would get out of bed and believe in myself the way you always believed in me. I would… talk to the people that I hurt. I would remember what it was like to love you," she whispers. "And I'd do it again."

She means it this time, and he knows it.  
--  
Finally, she moves to get out of bed, but he grabs her hand.

"Stay with me," he says.

"What?" Her heart skips a beat as she remembers what they used to have, remembers a similar plea. Maybe it was then. Maybe that's when it all went downhill.

"Stay with me." She stares at him. _Don't do this. Don't leave._

"I… I can't do that." _You don't think you can do it, but you can. You can stay._

"What's holding you back? You're the only one holding yourself back. Meredith, please. Stay." A beat of silence falls between them. He's not even sure if she knows what's holding her back, but he wants her to know that he's ready to put everything behind him.

"Meredith, I know it's messy. I know it's… I know. But we need a chance to do this right. I need a chance to do this for Jack and Anna.

"Please, stay with me. This is your chance. This is our chance for a do over. You know, I missed it," he whispers. She shivers as he kisses her hair gently.

"Missed what?" He can barely speak as she sinks back in the pillows and stares at him with a look that gives him something like hope.

"The smell of lavender."  
--  
A/N: Oh. I really love Drunken Sorrows, so rewriting it for this story was so much fun. I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter because… for me, it's kind of powerful. And there is so much more to come. So… thoughts? Alex will reappear soon. Reviews are love.


	8. Let Me Fall I

Disclaimer: You wish I owned _Grey's Anatomy_. I wish I owned it. That season finale would not exist. But sadly, other people own it.  
A/N: I'm an awful person. If none of your review this, I don't blame you. Here's a long story short: I was (and am) very frustrated with Grey's this season. Shonda, too. Frustrated to the point that I don't feel like leaping anymore (if you read the writer's blog, you know what I'm referring to.). But I owe it to you guys to see this through, so I'm working on it.  
-- 

Chapter 8 - Let Me Fall

Part I – Lost in the Supermarket Flashback

"Daddy, can we get macaroni and cheese? Daddy?" Derek blinks and looks down at Jack. Jack stares up with an intent focus that makes Derek want to laugh and cry. He realizes then that _everything _reminds him of Meredith.

"_Daddy!" Derek smiles as Jack runs toward him when he walks in the door. Dropping his briefcase, Derek swoops Jack up into his arms and spins around. George grunts something that resembles a hello from the couch._

"_Where are Izzie and Anna?" _

"_They're baking stuff, Daddy. But they kicked me out cause I burned stuff. Uncle George and me watched surgey tapes." Jack pauses and looks thoughtful for a moment. "Oh! Daddy! Guess what, guess what I had for brefas'!"_

"_Breakfast. What did you have for breakfast, kiddo?"_

"_Pizza! It was in the fridgerator from movie night!"_

Anna grabs Derek's hand as he continues to stare at Jack. Her curls bounce in her face, and Derek realizes that her hair hasn't been brushed today. Her dress looks like it came from the dirty laundry pile. And Jack's shorts have a tomato stain on them.

"Daddy, what are we eating for dinner? I don't want macaroni and cheese cause Aunt Izzie fixes it better, and she's not home. Jack got to pick last time."

"No I didn't!"

"Yeah huh."

"It's my turn!"

"_Aren't you glad you have such a good-looking daddy?" Anna giggles as Derek tickles her, but she shakes her head. _

"_You're not that good-looking, Daddy." Derek feigns hurt and then looks at Anna in surprise as she rolls her eyes._

"_Did Aunt Cristina teach you that?"_

"_Aunt Cristina says that I have to be tough to be a brain doctor. And I'm going to be one cause I'm rolly in-bed."_

"_You're what, honey?"_

"_Aunt Cristina says it means my mommy and daddy are brain doctors. Is my mommy a brain doctor?"_

"_Royally in-bred, Anna. You're royally in-bred," Derek murmurs. _

Derek blinks. Maybe he needs to have his eyes checked. The boxes of aspirin and Tylenol, Advil and Excedrin, Sudafed and Benadryl – they all seem to be mixed together.

"Jack hit me!" Jack. They knew after one day that he wasn't a John. John was too formal for the baby with wide eyes that tracked people way before most babies do. It was a good name on paper though. John Michael Shepherd. But Jack fit.

"Anna started it!" Anna's name hadn't come to them at once. _Elizabeth? Don't listen to Addison – she's just bitter because Bailey didn't pick her choice for her baby. Molly! George, be a man. Derek is not naming that thing Molly. Come on Yang, like you have a better idea? Yeah, Evil Spawn, I do. _Derek had debated about Katherine (Jack and Kate wouldn't do. They could be destined to be in a plane crash, and they had to fly home.) and Morgan (He couldn't do an 'M' name. Not that soon.). After a long debate with everyone, he had almost settled on Kirsten Michelle. He'd actually had a pen in hand when Meredith had finally shared her opinion. _Anna Michelle. She's an Anna._ He tested the name on his lips. It passed.

"_Is he attached?" the tall girl asks. The guy beside her – he reminds Derek of a Doug Ross wannabe – grunts something incoherent, and the girl shoves him in the ribs._

"_No, but he has two kids," the pretty brunette chides. Amy. He's pretty sure her name is Amy. She got to scrub in on a spinal stenosis case the other day. The tall girl rolls her eyes as she continues to make notes on her charts. _

"_And a posse," the nervous, short guy says excitedly. Derek almost laughs out loud, but he waits to hear the rest of the conversation._

"_Did you just say posse? Be a man, Jeff." Jeff. That was it. Burke had mentioned that the Jeff kid seemed unsure of himself, kind of like George._

"_I don't like you."_

"_Hello, I don't have all day. A posse?"_

"_You cannot go after an attending, Sarah!" Derek almost catches himself smiling when Amy speaks. He still has it._

"_Oh relax, Amy. My resident did. She's married to Dr. Burke." Seattle Grace always has been good for gossip. He knows this better than most._

"_Everyone knew that." He makes a mental note to talk to Izzie about her intern. The cocky attitude has got to go. The guy clearly needs someone to teach him a lesson. Cristina or Addison could do it. _

"_I didn't." Yep, that guy is definitely a George. _

"_Whatever. I want to hear about this posse."_

"_Okay, so Dr. Shepherd was married to Dr. Montgomery, but then Dr. Montgomery cheated on him with Dr. Sloan, so Dr. Shepherd moved out here to Seattle where he met Dr. Grey." It sounds so much more simple to hear someone say it like that. _

"_Grey Method Dr. Grey?"_

"_No, her daughter."_

"_I didn't know she was ever married."_

"_Grey Method Dr. Grey was married for awhile and had Dr. Meredith Grey, but she had an affair with Dr. Webber – you know the hospital board guy – and so she left her husband, but he wouldn't leave his wife, so she moved. And then Dr. Meredith Grey went to Dartmouth and came out here for her residency."_

"_So where is she now?"_

"_She met Dr. Shepherd the night before her internship started. He went after her, but he didn't tell her that he was married, and then his wife came out here, and there was this triangle thing until he slept with her on prom night."_

"_Prom night?" Ah, prom night. He remembers every bit of it in great detail. The illicit looks, the subtle change in perspective. He remembers his suit and her dress. The exam room where his children were conceived. _

"_So then he and Dr. Montgomery got a divorce, and Dr. Montgomery called Dr. Sloan, and he ended up staying. But then she said she didn't want a relationship with him, and she ended up with Dr. Karev."_

"_Wait, who's Dr. Karev?"_

"_He was an intern with Dr. Meredith Grey."_

"_Can we get back to Dr. Shepherd's story?"_

"_His story is her story. She got pregnant, and she left the kids with him. Dr. Karev followed her later."_

"_Why?"_

"_I'm working on that."_

The tiles in the store are pink and white, blue and white, green and white, yellow and white. They spin, and suddenly, he sees purples and oranges. And then he sees white.  
--  
A/N: That was supposed to be confusing. Review per favore! Grazie. (I'm teaching myself Italian this summer.) No, really, reviews are love.


	9. Let Me Fall II

Disclaimer: If I owned _Grey's Anatomy_, well… Shonda would be taking lessons from John Wells.  
A/N: I'm sorry this took so long, but I have been utterly uninspired. Anyway, I really read through some of your reviews for some sort of direction, and I hope you'll enjoy this chapter. If I were to describe it in one word, the word would be FLUFF. That's right. It has its serious undertones (if you read carefully, you'll pick up on the explanation for Part I's confusion), but it's basically fluff.  
-- 

Part II – Best of Friends

"Meredith." Turning slowly and squinting her eyes at the clock, Meredith groans. "Meredith, get up."

"Iz?" She sits up and swings out of bed. "What is it? Is Anna okay?"

"She's fine. I just… I want to talk to you."

Fifteen minutes later, Meredith sinks down on the couch. She sighs as she turns the pages of a photo album, pausing every so often to flag pictures that she likes with a sticky note. Izzie carries two cups of hot chocolate to the couch, sitting beside Meredith wordlessly.

"I missed a lot," Meredith whispers. She feels tears creep into her eyes, but she continues to stare at the pictures of Anna and Jack growing up. Izzie nods and smiles slightly when she sees one of the family pictures that she insists on taking every year, with everyone in it.

"I'm sorry, Iz." Izzie closes her eyes for a moment and wonders what the right response is. She settles on the one that she's been meaning to say since she talked to Meredith on the phone.

"I am, too. I didn't mean for things to get so nasty… I just, I didn't know what to say. It's not all about how you feel. You're not the only one affected by your return."

"I know. I want to try-I'm going to try harder. It's… it's not the best situation, but it's a fresh start."

"It's a start."

"Alex!" Izzie feels a jolt of shock hearing his name as Meredith jumps up from the couch and hurries to the door, quickly grabbing one of his oversized bags. He stumbles in and drops a duffel bag. "Why didn't you call? I would have come to the airport."

"I know. I didn't want to wake anybody though," he says quietly, glancing at his watch. "You do know that it's only 5 AM here, right? Have you been sleeping in a bed?" Meredith rolls her eyes. She can't count the number of times that Alex turned off the TV or carried her up to her bed after falling asleep in the middle of watching late news or trying to read a book.

"Even though I haven't had you there to remind me? Yeah, I've been managing," Meredith half-jokes. She pulls him into a tight hug just long enough to let him know that she missed him. In the few years that they lived together, Alex has become the older brother that she never had and sorely needed.

"_You don't have to do this, you know," Meredith mumbles. Alex grunts softly as he makes his way up the stairs to her bedroom. He does know. But somewhere between shots together at 51 Wharf and long hours at Maine Medical Center, he also knows that they need each other. _

"_I know I don't have to." _

"_Then why do you?"_

"_The same reason you get me a cup of coffee and two aspirin after a long surgery. I'm looking out for you." _

"Since when do we hug?"

"Admit it; you missed me. You missed our movies and surgeries together and reading the comics and breakfast in bed."

"_Alex… why do I smell something cooking?" Brushing snow off her jacket and hair, Meredith slams the door behind her and walks into the kitchen. Alex looks up in surprise._

"_Why are you home so early?"_

"_Patient coded as soon as we got in. Since when do you cook?"_

"_I grew up in Iowa. It's called breakfast. We had this god-awful rooster… Here, hold this." Alex shoves a glass of orange juice at Meredith as he grabs a skillet with his other hand, carefully sliding an omelet onto a plate lined with bacon. "Anyway, we had chickens, and I know how to cook some egg stuff. Nothing fancy."_

"_So you do have some sensitivity."_

"_Sit down and eat."_

"_I should call Mrs. Dempsey and see if she wants to join us."_

"_The bacon's getting cold."_

"_Of course then she would ask when we're getting married."_

"_You know if you don't want that omelet, I can feed it to the dog."_

"Now that you mention it, I missed your eggs," Alex says suggestively. "Even though they were always a bit… toasty."

"Perv. No wonder no one else puts up with you."

"_Pass."_

"_Do you miss her?" Meredith asks, not bothering to grab the bowl of popcorn. Alex cracks his neck and smirks as she winces at the sound. _

"_Do you miss him?" Meredith makes an annoyed, non-committal hum. Alex nudges her with his elbow, but she refuses to take her eyes off the screen. _

"_We're talking about you, not me," she says, her voice cracking slightly. "I'm… I decided I'm not going out there. I'll just… it will just make things more stressful." He shrugs nonchalantly and nods. _

"_I'm not sure things can get more stressful than collapsing in the middle of a supermarket from exhaustion." _

"_Thank you, smart ass. But really, am I making the right decision? Nobody ever wrote a book or taught a class about this. What do I do? What would I say? I don't know where I'd stay or what would happen or what I would want to happen or what I would say to the kids or…" Alex claps his hand across Meredith's mouth, only to be on the receiving end of a hard bite. Sitting back in satisfaction, she tosses a piece of popcorn into the air as he eyes her warily. _

"_You should know that hurt. Anyway, we both know you would have fallen asleep reading the book or skipped the class. Look, you're… you're like this swimmer. Somebody threw you into the water once without telling you that it was really cold, and you've been freaked out ever since. And then you fell in a few times, and now you're avoiding the water all together. When the time is right, you'll dive back in." _

"_I don't like swimming," Meredith retorts. "And how do I know when the time is right? What if the time is never right?"_

"_Fine, you're a puppy that someone dropped a few times. You'll figure it out. You know? If you don't know when it's the right time, I'll give you a gentle shove." Without waiting for a response, he reaches over and grabs a handful of popcorn._

"_Hey, personal space!"_

"_You didn't pass."_

"Come on, Grey, you know you love me."

"Whatever you say, Dirty Uncle Sal."

"Where should I put my stuff?"

"Top of the stairs, last bedroom on the right. All of my suitcases are still there." Kicking Meredith lightly, Alex leans over and tugs on her hair affectionately. Briefly, Izzie tries to figure out exactly what Meredith and Alex _are_, but her thoughts are interrupted by an offer from Meredith for breakfast.

"You can cook?" Izzie jumps slightly at the harshness of her own tone, but Meredith doesn't seem to care.

"Yeah, Alex taught me a few things. I'm no Martha Stewart, but I can tell a pancake from a waffle. I'll cook, and you can tell me what you've been doing the past few years." Meredith breathes a sigh of relief as Izzie nods and follows her into the kitchen. She's getting her do-over.

Two platefuls later, Izzie laughs and quickly covers her mouth with a napkin. Meredith frowns in confusion.

"What?"

"I think this could be considered a long conversation celebrating the moments of our lives."  
--  
A/N: I know. It's sloppy and unpolished, but I'm trying to work on making the dark and twisty become the light and straight. Reviews are love. And don't worry. Alex and Meredith are only friends.


	10. Let Me Fall III

A/N: I'm a horrible, horrible person. I just.. I boycotted Grey's for awhile, and I had no idea where I wanted this story to go. I promise I will update within two weeks. Cross my heart. Cross Paddy's heart. Anyway, read and review! Thanks.

* * *

Part III – Learning to Fly

Izzie makes a note in her cookbook as she hears the sound of laughter enter the house. Meredith stops near the kitchen door, and Izzie looks up just in time to see Derek release Meredith's hand. He whispers something that Izzie can't quite make out. Meredith nods and then enters the kitchen with a soft smile on her face.

"So what's going on between you and Derek?" Izzie asks. After their breakfast talk a few weeks ago, they've been getting along well. Meredith still feels like an awkward intruder during certain rituals, and Izzie still feels a tightness in her chest when Jack or Anna call for Meredith, but they're coexisting.

"Nothing." Izzie glances up from her cookbook and raises an eyebrow. "I mean… I'm just… we're talking, and it's nice," Meredith mumbles.

"_My neighbor, Mrs. Dempsey, thought that Alex and I were a couple. When we saw her in the hall, she would ask when the wedding was. She even brought me a bunch of wedding magazines one time. I think she was lonely," Meredith muses. "Her husband had died several years back, and her kids had moved away." _

_Derek makes a quiet humming noise, but he hasn't gotten past the bit about Alex. He's been trying to work up the courage to ask her one of his many burning questions for the past two weeks now._

"_Were you and Alex ever…" Meredith scrunches her brow in confusion._

"_Ever what?"_

"_You know. A couple," Derek says, coughing. Suddenly, Meredith bursts out laughing, and she shakes her head vigorously._

"_He's like the brother I never had," she says fondly. "We've never even kissed." Derek finds himself feeling relieved, and he's not even 100 sure why._

* * *

"_My mom didn't think I was good enough to go to Dartmouth. When I went to Europe, she said I was just wasting more years of my life. And then I had to come back. She didn't want anyone to know about the Alzheimer's. While I was in medical school, I hired someone to look after her. And then I moved her out to Seattle to the nursing home when I was matched at Seattle Grace."_

"_Addison wanted us to go to Europe. During our residency, we didn't have the time, and after… that's when we had started drifting apart. We were absent. I was absent, and Europe was forgotten."_

"_You should go sometime. The food is amazing. That is, if you'll eat something other than trout and Museli," Meredith teases._

"_I'll have you know, I like coffee ice cream. Just don't tell anyone that."_

"_Because it would ruin your image?" Meredith laughs, and Derek squeezes her hand playfully. _

"_At least I don't eat leftover grilled cheese for breakfast." Meredith rolls her eyes and ignores his remark._

"_You know, I have a thing for strawberry ice cream," she says, giggling. Derek smiles and nods. For years, he hasn't been able to think of her giggling without feeling a stab of pain, but this time, the pain isn't there._

"_I remember." As the words leave Derek's mouth, he sucks in a deep breath of air. He's having trouble finding the line – they both are. Sometimes, especially on their walks, he wants to be able to cross the line again. He's trying not to fall again, but at night, when they lay on opposite sides of the same bed, he wants nothing more than to take her in his arms again._

_Meredith notices the silence after Derek's reply – the one that reminds her of her first days as an intern. Momentarily, she wishes that she could cross the invisible line between them. She knows they're not ready, but sometimes she craves a connection beyond their currently linked hands. _

"Whatever you say. But please, let me know when you guys are going to start sleeping together again. I'll need to buy your kids some earplugs."

"I need your help," Meredith blurts out, ignoring Izzie's previous statement.

"With what?" Meredith bites her lip and grips the chair in front of her as if she's about to pass out. She's been a little under the weather lately. Doing errands, playing with Jack, helping Anna with her physical therapy, and taking walks with Derek has worn her out, but it's a good kind of tired. Slowly, she and Derek have been getting to know each other the way that they should have in the beginning. They haven't gotten to the touchy subject of why she left, but they're getting there.

"I want to do something for Derek. I need to… I need to show him that I'm trying. And I need your help." Izzie stares at Meredith for a moment. Part of her wants to say no and leave Meredith to fend for herself. Part of her is screaming that it's what Meredith deserves. But the other part of her says that Derek, Anna, Jack, and Meredith deserve a chance to be happy.

Meredith takes a deep breath. She tries to push down the nauseous feeling in her throat. She thinks she made the right decision to ask Izzie for help, but she's not sure. She's not sure of anything these days.

"What do you need help with?" Izzie asks. A slow smile creeps across her face, and Meredith sighs in relief.

"I want to do an outdoor movie night."

* * *

Several hours later, Izzie and Meredith collapse into the lawn chairs in exhaustion. Izzie smiles as she admires their handiwork. They've set up lawn chairs, a projector and screen, a grill, and a popcorn machine – all Meredith's idea.

"Does it look okay?" Meredith asks. "I want it to look nice. I missed it out here, and I just thought…" Meredith motions to the clearing and the view overlooking the city. "I always thought this would be the perfect place to build a home."

Izzie nods in agreement, but she doesn't mention that Derek confided in Mark once that he wanted to build a house there if Meredith ever returned. It's not her thing to tell. Somewhat to her surprise though, she hopes Derek will tell her one day. Instead, she settles on telling Meredith what she thinks of the movie night that they've constructed in less than a day.

"It's perfect."

* * *

"It's perfect." Derek frowns as he stares at the black, white, and tan puppy currently chewing on his shoelace and then back at Mark. The animal shelter volunteer smiles helpfully.

"Bernese Mountain Dogs really are wonderful pets as long as you have space for her to play." Mark chuckles.

"Space is not an issue. His girlfriend, on the other hand, might not be too happy."

"Meredith's not my girlfriend," Derek mutters. Mark scoffs, but Derek doesn't argue when Mark goes back to the subject of the puppy before them.

"Come on, the kids will love it. Didn't you and Meredith have a dog once?"

"It died of cancer, and Meredith and I slept together in the hospital during a function for the chief's niece while she was dating its vet. That's when Jack and Anna were conceived," Derek growls. The animal shelter volunteer steps back towards the door of the puppy playroom and stares at an invisible spot on the floor.

"Way to go, man. Just tell her that it's a fresh start. Chicks love stuff like that." Derek rolls his eyes, but somehow, thirty minutes later, he walks out of the animal shelter carrying a Bernese Mountain Dog puppy and the phone number of an older, married, female veterinarian – just in case Meredith has a thing for vets.

* * *

As Derek drives up to the trailer, per Izzie's voicemail instructions, he smiles as the puppy beside him barks playfully.

"You wait here, puppy. I'll come get you in a minute."

"So what's the surprise?" he asks. Meredith smiles up at him from the steps of the trailer and points out to the clearing, beyond the trees.

"An outdoor movie night. Everyone's here. I got Alex to grill food, and Izzie helped me set up the projector. Everyone's here." Derek grins, and he finds himself wanting to cross the line again.

"You know, I have a surprise, too." Meredith looks at him warily, but she waits for him to speak.

"I got a puppy."

"Are you nuts?" Meredith screams. Derek winces. Luckily, everyone else seems to be deeply absorbed in their dinner. They're also a couple hundred yards away.

"A puppy. You know, all cute and furry."

"Puppies poop and pee and eat. They're like babies. We don't… When… who's going to train this puppy? What happens when the puppy isn't a puppy anymore? What then?" Without waiting for a response, Meredith grabs her jacket and stomps off towards the pond. Derek sighs and scoops up the puppy before going after her.

Meredith stares out at the water, motionless. The moonlight over the pond reflects her image back, and she sees Derek before either of them speak. He bends down beside her, and she smiles in spite of the obvious tension when she sees that he has the puppy with him.

"I'm afraid of falling," Meredith whispers. She runs a hand through the puppy's soft fur, and for a moment, Derek thinks that he imagined her speaking. "I was afraid then, and I'm afraid now. You… you grew up with a family. A real family."

Derek opens his mouth to interject, but Meredith shakes her head. Tears roll down her cheeks, but she keeps her eyes trained on the water.

"You have four sisters and a mom who cares. You have Mark. You had a dad who was there. He died before you even went to college, but you had a dad who was there. You still have family that cares.

"And I had a dad who left because my mom was having an affair with Richard Webber. I had siblings that I didn't know existed until I became a doctor. I had a mom who cut her wrists until she passed out. She told me not to call the ambulance, and she told me to be extraordinary.

"For years, I thought that was her way of telling me that I was the reason for her pain and suffering. I thought it was my fault. And I thought that I couldn't do it, that I couldn't be somebody's parent. I didn't get it.

"My parents were absent growing up. I should have been here. I know what it's like to grow up without a parent. It's not that I didn't love you. Or them. Because I do. In the four weeks that I've been here, I've been more happy than I have in a long time. I messed up. I got scared, and I ran, and I messed up. I'm not going to run again. I promise you that, no matter what happens."

"Mer," Derek says softly.

"No, wait. I'm not done. I'm scared, Derek, really scared. You and everybody else have been there for the past four years, and I don't even know how to do this. But I'm trying now."

Derek sighs, and he reaches down to grab Meredith's hand. She flinches at the contact, but he feels her relax beside him as he squeezes her hand.

"I didn't get it at first. When you left, I didn't understand how you could leave your own kids. I didn't understand how raising kids could be that scary. Sure, I was scared, but then I would look at them. And I would look at everyone around me, and I realized people were there to help.

"But somewhere along the way, I started understanding. Even with Mark and Izzie and everyone else, there were nights when I felt so _alone_. After I collapsed in a supermarket because of exhaustion, I was terrified of not being able to be there for them. Some nights… some nights I wonder how my mom raised five of us – six if you count Mark.

"After that, I understood how afraid you were. Your instinct was to run because that's the example your parents had set.

"I'm glad you're trying," Derek murmurs.

"I don't know how to be a parent, but I'm trying. I know that I haven't been here, but I need you… I need you to help me with this. I know that you have no good reason to, but I can't screw this up again. I don't want to miss more of Anna and Jack growing up, and I don't want to miss this baby," Meredith stops mid-sentence, and her eyes widen. She hadn't meant to tell Derek like that.

"Baby? You're… we're… baby," he sputters. Meredith nods and squeezes his hand gently. "Baby!" Meredith giggles as Derek mumbles the word baby to himself again, and for a moment, it feels like old times. Derek can't help but smile when he hears Meredith giggle. He missed that about her, and he wonders not for the first time if they can recapture what could have been.

"Yeah, I'm pregnant. We're having a baby," she says. Derek stands up and grabs the puppy, and Meredith panics momentarily, thinking that she was freaking him out. Before she can open her mouth again, she holds onto Derek's outstretched hand and lets him pull her up. He kisses her softly and smiles when he pulls back.

"Let's go watch the movie." Meredith smiles. For the first time since she arrived in Seattle, she thinks that everything might be okay.

* * *

A/N: Well... there's not much to say after that. Thoughts are lovely. Flames are not. I know that the pregnant route has been done time and time again, but I'm going to try to make it original. Yes, it's messy, but Meredith and Derek are messy. They can't just get together without the messiness.


	11. Affirmation

Disclaimer: Not mine. Well, Bella would be mine if i my parents would let me have a Bernie.  
A/N: Sorry this is a day late. I was doing family stuff yesterday. It's also fairly short, but more will follow shortly!

* * *

Chapter 9 – Affirmation

As Derek and Meredith walk back towards the clearing, Meredith stops before they come into view of everyone else. She's finally in the midst of a moment with Derek, a moment that's theirs and theirs alone. She closes her eyes for a second, trying to memorize the feeling.

"Does everyone know about Bella?" Derek's eyebrows scrunch in confusion. Meredith giggles, and he can't help but smile. Meredith's eyes light up as the puppy licks her on the nose, and the expression on her face makes him want to take Mark to a strip club in exchange for the encouragement to buy the furry little creature. "By the way, I decided to name my puppy Bella."

Meredith bites her lip, worried for a moment. She still doesn't know where the lines are and whether she's crossing any. She's trying to follow Derek's lead on all of this, trying to put faith in the unknown. She has always been a very visual learner. She needs to have tangible proof to believe in things. Derek, on the other hand, was raised to believe in miracles. Meredith Grey? Not so much. But she's learning to believe.

"Your puppy? What happened to the part about peeing and pooping?" Derek puts on a disgruntled look, but he wants to laugh when he sees the determined look on Meredith's face. He considers telling her that her battle has already been won, but he stays silent in hopes of hearing a ramble.

"We both know that I'm going to be the one feeding her and cleaning up after her. It's only logical that I should get naming rights. And if I name her, then we won't have to worry about anyone fighting over what to name her." Meredith nods, as if to add to her argument. For a split second, Derek wants to say that he fed Anna and Jack and that he has been cleaning up after them for the past few years. But then the feeling passes, and it's replaced by his pure elation over the fact that he is going to be a father again.

"Bella it is. Mark knows, but that's it. Does… does anyone else know about the baby?" Meredith shakes her head and feels her own heart skip a beat as Derek's eyes light up. When the stick screamed yes at her, the only person she wanted to tell was Derek. Not Alex, not Izzie, not Cristina. Just Derek.

"Do you want to tell them tonight?" Meredith asks. Oddly enough, she's ready to tell the world. This time, however, she's not dictating things because they're in this together. This time, she trusts everything will be okay, and the expression on his face gives her the affirmation she needs.

"Not yet. Not tonight," Derek says. "Tomorrow, I want to tell everyone. We can tell everyone. But tonight, I don't want to share you." At that, Meredith grins and practically skips ahead, tugging gently on his hand. Anna and Jack immediately begin roughhousing with Bella. Meredith watches closely, and Derek hears her say something to Anna about being careful. He knows that he should be watching his kids play with the new addition to their lives, but he can't take his eyes off of _her_.

He watches her as she kisses Jack's finger and explains about puppy bites. He watches her as she runs a gentle hand through Anna's hair. When she walks by him to get food, he grabs her arm and pulls her close. She makes a noise of protest but allows him to wrap his arms around her. She leans back into his chest and giggles.

"You're watching me," Meredith whispers teasingly. "I need to go eat. I'm eating for two now."

"I am watching you. Get used to it," he replies. His voice is soft and quiet, but Meredith detects the tiniest hint of apprehension.

"_And I can't breathe. I can't breathe with you looking at me like that, so just stop!"_

The last time he watched her—really watched her—she proceeded to tear apart their already delicate lives and then move across the country. Not the best move, in retrospect. Things are different now, though. She doesn't even know how to describe it. She's Meredith Grey. Nothing has ever been perfect in her world. But at the moment, that's the only word that comes to mind. She can't even bring herself to vocalize her thoughts right now. No matter how perfect everything is, they still have a lot of rough edges to smooth and messes to clean up.

"I'm going to go get a burger." Derek reaches over and gently tugs on Meredith's hair as she starts to walk away again. She turns and rolls her eyes playfully. "You gonna let me go?"

Derek wants to shout no. He wants to tell her that he never wants to let her go again. But this time, he trusts that she's going to come back. His trust and faith, which had once been _almost_ irreparably shattered, are slowly being rebuilt.

"I'll be right back," Meredith murmurs. Derek's head jerks up quickly, and Meredith hides a small smile at his split-second confusion after being interrupted from his thoughts.

Derek nods. It's the affirmation that he craves. More than that, though, it's the affirmation he needs.

"Bring me back some fries." Meredith's eyebrows raise at that, and he shrugs. "It's hard to eat totally healthy with th-two kids." Derek glances around quickly to make sure no one else caught his error, and he grins broadly when he sees that the secret is kept. "Go on. I'll save a seat for you."

To Derek's surprise, Meredith does not turn and go immediately. Instead, she turns and touches his chest softly with one hand. She leans in and kisses him.

"_Soft. It was quick. Kinda like a habit. You know, like we'd do it everyday for the rest of our lives."_

Before he knows it, she has broken the kiss, and she's walking away. For the first time that night, however, there isn't a pang in his chest or a voice of fear running through his head. He walks over to their friends, and she keeps walking towards the food. And neither of them turn back. There's no need.

They have the affirmation they need.


End file.
